something funny by marianne03

# 9 A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask 
the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the 
front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman 
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into 
her breast. They are both startled and he 
says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your 
breast, I know you’ll forgive me.” She replies, “if 
your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 

# 8 A young man walks up and sits down at the 
bar. “What can I get you?” the bartender 
inquires. “I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,” 
responded the young man. “6 shots?!? Are you 
celebrating something?” “Yeah, my first 
blowjob.” “Well, in that case, let me give you a 
7th on the house.” “No offense, sir. But if 6 
shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing will.” 

#7 A businessman boards a flight and is lucky 
enough to be seated next to an absolutely 
gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos 
and he notices she is reading a manual about 
sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she 
replies, “This is a very interesting book about 
sexual statistics. It identifies that American 
Indians have the longest average penis and 
Polish men have the biggest average diameter. 
By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?” He 
coolly replies, “Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet 

# 6 One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the 
husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and 
starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and 
says: “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist 
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay 
fresh.” The husband, rejected, turns over and 
tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back 
over and taps his wife again. This time he 
whispers in her ear: “Do you have a dentist 
appointment tomorrow too?” 

# 5 Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been 
employed there for a number of years when he 
came home one day to confess to his wife that 
he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to 
stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife 
suggested that he should see a sex therapist to 
talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be to 
embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the 
compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks 
later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife 
could see at once that something was seriously 
wrong. “What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked. “Do 
you remember that I told you how I had this 
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle 
slicer?” “Oh, Bill, you didn’t.” “Yes, I did.” “My 
God, Bill, what happened?” “I got fired.” “No, 
Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle 
slicer?” “Oh…she got fired too.” 

# 4 A man was visiting his wife in hospital where 
she has been in a coma for several years. On 
this visit he decides to rub her left breast 
instead of just talking to her. On doing this she 
lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the 
doctor who says this is a good sign and 
suggests he should try rubbing her right breast 
to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in 
and rubs her right breast and this brings a 
moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the 
man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will 
wait outside as it is a personal act and he 
doesn’t want the man to be embarrassed. The 
man goes in then comes out about five minutes 
later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his 
wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to 
which the man replies: “She choked.” 
# 3 
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his 
side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He 
to the astonished patrons. 

“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s 
mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the 
will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then 
his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In 
return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you 
will buy me a drink.” 

The crowd murmured their approval. The man 
stood up 
on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his 
privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator 
closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a 
minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and 
rapped the 
alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator 
opened his mouth and the man removed his 
unscathed as promised. 

The crowd cheered and the first of his free 
were delivered. The man stood up again and 
another offer. 

“I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” 

A hush fell over the crowd. 

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the 
A woman timidly spoke up. 

“I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on 
the head with the beer bottle.” 

# 2 
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he 
in he notices a huge black dude standing next to 

The big black dude looks down upon the small 
guy and says: “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch 
3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner 

The small white guy faints!! 

The big black dude picks up the small white guy 
brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him 
asks the small white guy. 

“What’s wrong?”. 

The small white guy says; “Excuse me but what 
did you 

The big black dude looks down and says “7 foot 
350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 
right ball, my name is Turner Brown.” 

The small white guy says, “Thank God, I thought 
said ‘Turn around.'” 

# 1 
There was this couple who had been married for 
years. They were sitting at the breakfast table 
morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, 
“Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 

“Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago 
were sitting here at this breakfast table together.” 

“I know,” the old man said, “We were probably 
here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.” 

“Well,” Granny snickered, “What do you 
we get naked?” 

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat 
at the table. 

“You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly 
replied,”My nipples are as hot for you today as 
were fifty years ago.” 

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s 
your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

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